My Daughter and Her Shadow

My daughter is a lot like me. She has always been very much like me. I’ll give you an example; when I was 11 years old I lived in Golden Valley Arizona, and at the time it wasn’t much more than miles upon miles of sand, cactus, and Mojave rattlesnakes. My father worked at a casino in Laughlin Nevada and during the summer months he would usually leave before I woke up and wouldn’t arrive home again until long after I fell asleep. With our closest neighbor about 2 miles away, I felt quite alone and overwhelmingly isolated. It was around this time that my mind began to turn on me. I developed what I refer to as “my shadow”. My shadow likes to play games with me. At 11, my shadow convinced me that my father wouldn’t be coming home.. I was certain that he would be killed in an auto accident while heading back home. My shadow filled me with constant worry and perpetual anxiety, I would sit at my bedroom window waiting for Dad to come home, all-the-while knowing deep down that he would not. Out in the desert, you can see the flicker of headlights from miles away. The dull glow of headlights, mixed with desert dust, mixed with hope, leading to disappointment, desperation, and despair as each car passes.

Today, my daughter is just like me.


Ashlyn is a quiet young lady. She’s very much lost in thought constantly, and I always find myself asking her what is going on in her head. Although she usually replies with a shoulder shrug, or by saying “Nothing Daddy”, last week she felt like sharing.

I asked her “What’cha thinking about kiddo?” and she began to tear up. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I’m nervous about a couple of things Daddy”. “Oh yeah? Anything you care to discuss? I’m a pretty good listener.” I told her. “Can we go in the other room?” she asked. “Yes ma’am”. “Daddy, I’m worried….” she said. “Okay, what’s on your mind?” I asked. She looked up at me on the verge of tears and said “2012... Do you think we’re all going to die?”. I told her that I didn’t believe in that ‘whoo haa’ and that she should be concerned with that. I let her know that good or bad, she should try not to burden herself with things she has no control over. We talked a while about the Mayan Calendar, what is known about the Mayan people, and the mysteries surrounding their disappearance. This sort of calmed her down, I explained to her that no one is able to predict the future.

Then came a statement I’ll never forget. She told me that she was also concerned because her mom had bought her “a surprise” and she asked me “What if it’s a gun?”. Yup.. She told be that she was worried that her mother bought her a gun.

I spent the rest of the night teaching her about the shadow, teaching her things that she can do to quiet the shadow. I hope she fairs better that I have.

She’s just like me.

Dear God

Dear God,


Fuck you.


There, now I feel better.

P.S. Pick on someone else for a change.


Regards………